The Sunshine State is consistently the source of some of the most bizarre news stories you’ve ever heard – often involving oversized reptiles, crazy crimes, stupid criminals and mind-boggling scandals. After gazing into its cloudy crystal ball, Sachs Media Group offers 10 predictions that are just strange enough to be plausible Florida news items in the new year! From randy grannies to voting zombies, from fresh-from-the-tree mixed drinks to medical mistletoe, this list has it all.
Take a look, and then let us know: What’s your prediction for #WeirdFL2014?
1. TEBOW MAKES ‘RUN’ FOR GOVERNOR
Native son Tim Tebow – the popular former University of Florida Heisman Trophy winner whose NFL career went from Denver to New York to New England to out – announces in late spring his plans to run for Governor of Florida. The lackluster contest between incumbent Gov. Rick Scott and ex-incumbent Gov. Charlie Crist creates an opening for Tebow to call an audible, and early polls show a surge of support for the Gator legend, across all lines. When it is discovered that he can’t pass (the minimum age requirement of 30), Tebow is sidelined once again.
2. FLORIDA BANS WINTER
To boost its tourism industry, Florida lawmakers pass a law to extend summer to six months, with a three-month break for fall, thereby banning any “winter” in the Sunshine State. In their own redux from the title song of “Camelot,” Visit Florida marketers promote that “… the winter is forbidden until forever.” Snowbirds flock in record numbers to Florida’s second summer: December through March.
3. KUMBAYA TO ‘NO RECOUNT’
The two leaders call for a new “Golden Era” of bipartisan leadership – and state lawmakers agree to work together for the common good. (And then we wake up.)
4. IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO STAMP OUT STDS
5. ‘FAST NUDE’ INDUSTRY CREATED IN FLORIDA
Amid stunning news that Florida has more tanning beds than McDonald’s locations, bold entrepreneurs see a golden-bronze opportunity to create a new industry: Drive-Thru Tanning Salons, for those who don’t even want to take the time to get out of their cars. “Tan Lines” in Florida now come to mean queued-up cars, waiting for their nude drivers and passengers to get zapped by a quick blast from solar radiation devices.
6. THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN
However, when a news reporter informs him the South lost, he gasps, “I wish I never came out of the dang swamp,” clutches his chest in pain and suffers a fatal heart attack.
7. FLORIDA ORANGES GET NEW ‘SQUEEZE’
8. PLANTING KISSES YEAR-‘ROUND
9. JAGUARS GO FROM WORST TO FIRST
Playing as a single unit for the first time in history, the Jags squeak through the regular season and then really wax their foes in the playoffs, winning the Super Bowl behind the rallying cry, “We Khan Do It.” Tebow is named the Super Bowl MVP after amassing six TDs (3 passing, 3 rushing) and running for more yards – 135 – than any quarterback in Super Bowl history.
10. VOTING: IT’S ALIVE!
As the zombie population grows, so too does a movement for the “Zombie Party” – whose first open political convention in Orlando is boycotted by every elected official and candidate. Zombie PR spokesman Ima Stiff is widely quoted as saying, “We’ll get them all, eventually.”
What’s YOUR prediction? Comment below or share on Twitter with the #WeirdFL2014 hashtag.